I feel weird.
And not just the normal weird, mind you.
I don't know how to describe it. I feel like my gut fell to the floor and my heart isn't moving. I feel like my heart should be pounding out of my chest. I'm getting anxious.
This isn't good.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Sunday, April 12, 2009
I'm done
I need to get out of here. I need to go away. I need to go some place where everyone else isn't.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
What is happening to me?
I don't know what's happening to me. I feel like I'm really losing a part of myself that, not only did I not realize I still had, but a part of me that is really who I want to be. It really doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but I can feel it. Things around me seem to be falling apart left and right, and I don't see what I did to be the center of all of this.
You know that feeling you get when it's the night before a huge project is due that you completely forgot about, or that feeling that you're forgetting something huge? I feel like I have that nonstop. I feel like I'm living on the edge, and I guess I really am, more or less. I mean, I'm living paycheck to paycheck like most other people, but it's deeper than that. I feel like I'm not even living day by day, sometimes. It's more like I'm living moment to moment. I never know what's going to happen next. What's worse? I feel like I'm losing my ability to read people. Either I'm incredibly far off base with my observations, or I'm dead on, and I'm pretty sure it's the former of the two.
I also figured out that I have no idea what I want. I don't know what I want to do, and I don't know what I want to to be, and I feel like I'm just wasting time right now. I want nothing more than to be doing something meaningful, but I don't feel like I am. I keep second-guessing almost everything. I'm moving toward an IST major, but I don't know if that's even what I want. I like cooking, but I also enjoy astrophysics, and I always thought it would be really awesome to be a radio DJ.
And I keep having the weirdest dreams. I used to never have such vivid dreams, and when I did, it was very rare. But I haven't NOT had a weird vivid dream since spring break, and that was mid-March.
I constantly feel like I'm five seconds from Hulking out.
What's wrong with me?
You know that feeling you get when it's the night before a huge project is due that you completely forgot about, or that feeling that you're forgetting something huge? I feel like I have that nonstop. I feel like I'm living on the edge, and I guess I really am, more or less. I mean, I'm living paycheck to paycheck like most other people, but it's deeper than that. I feel like I'm not even living day by day, sometimes. It's more like I'm living moment to moment. I never know what's going to happen next. What's worse? I feel like I'm losing my ability to read people. Either I'm incredibly far off base with my observations, or I'm dead on, and I'm pretty sure it's the former of the two.
I also figured out that I have no idea what I want. I don't know what I want to do, and I don't know what I want to to be, and I feel like I'm just wasting time right now. I want nothing more than to be doing something meaningful, but I don't feel like I am. I keep second-guessing almost everything. I'm moving toward an IST major, but I don't know if that's even what I want. I like cooking, but I also enjoy astrophysics, and I always thought it would be really awesome to be a radio DJ.
And I keep having the weirdest dreams. I used to never have such vivid dreams, and when I did, it was very rare. But I haven't NOT had a weird vivid dream since spring break, and that was mid-March.
I constantly feel like I'm five seconds from Hulking out.
What's wrong with me?
Monday, January 26, 2009
RAWR
I am in my C++ Programming Computer Science class and I'm bored!
My twinsie Sara (Style Magnet) is sitting right next to me and we're dying.
My twinsie Sara (Style Magnet) is sitting right next to me and we're dying.
Redickuhlizz.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Who would win in a fight?
Not that anyone reads this, but I appologize for not updating this on a regular basis like I had planned to. Regardless, more pressing matters are at hand.
I'm in Pittsburg, and I'm chilling in my friend Sam's dorm lounge at the current moment, but I'm heading out at 1. Pittsburg isn't bad. It's quite different from Philly. And freaking Sam just brought me some Swedish Fish from her room. Hell yeah!
Back on topic, the college life here isn't anything I'm used to. House parties are fun, but I feel that "networking" should be kept to a minimum there.
Sorry this is so short, but I'm outta here.
I'm in Pittsburg, and I'm chilling in my friend Sam's dorm lounge at the current moment, but I'm heading out at 1. Pittsburg isn't bad. It's quite different from Philly. And freaking Sam just brought me some Swedish Fish from her room. Hell yeah!
Back on topic, the college life here isn't anything I'm used to. House parties are fun, but I feel that "networking" should be kept to a minimum there.
Sorry this is so short, but I'm outta here.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Hello, THIEF (Zelda reference, chumps)
First off, I'd like to comment on my Last.FM feed over to your right (stage left). I actually haven't listened to my Last.FM station since Christmas, and I haven't listened to my iTunes recently, either. Just ignore it for the time being.
Second, I'm utilizing the title of this post to summarize my 2008 in a nutshell:
While I spent the start of the new year with a few good friends, it didn't begin the way I had hoped at the time, regardless of the events that had occurred within the last 24 hours of 2007.
Feelings were rehashed, relationships were revisited, and I made quite a big mistake. I was lonely. I felt guilty. I still do.
The day after Valentine's Day was perhaps the worst day of my life.
And when spring break came around, I was scared shitless, pissed, and I was, yet again, lonely. Oh, but wait, that was all canceled out the following week.
I spent the second half of my senior year following the completion of my research paper doing near nothing related to the academic scale. I was harassed by my parents about college applications, but i didn't know what I wanted to do, and I still don't.
The weeks leading to Senior Prom sucked.
Senior Prom sucked.
The week leading to graduation sucked.
I got into a car accident the day I graduated.
Senior week wasn't bad. It wasn't what I had expected, but it wasn't bad.
I spent my summer working and thinking that I was in a relationship? Apparently I was not. I guess it was nothing in the end, and hell, she was right. I spent the next I don't even know how long being more emotionally fucked up, upset, pissed off, and sorry for myself than I ever have in my life, and all for nothing more than to realize that I should have seen this coming the first time around, not the fourth.
I met some really cool people, kept in touch with some high school friends, and now I'm just trying to go with the flow. This is what I've wanted for as long as I can remember. I've come to terms with myself and everything (sort of).
And I met someone new. Someone I truly relate with not only on a personal level, but on an emotional level, too. And all I really want to do is read comics, build forts, and kill zombies with her.
For the first time in a long time, I feel like myself again.
For the first time in a long time, I'm happy.
Second, I'm utilizing the title of this post to summarize my 2008 in a nutshell:
While I spent the start of the new year with a few good friends, it didn't begin the way I had hoped at the time, regardless of the events that had occurred within the last 24 hours of 2007.
Feelings were rehashed, relationships were revisited, and I made quite a big mistake. I was lonely. I felt guilty. I still do.
The day after Valentine's Day was perhaps the worst day of my life.
And when spring break came around, I was scared shitless, pissed, and I was, yet again, lonely. Oh, but wait, that was all canceled out the following week.
I spent the second half of my senior year following the completion of my research paper doing near nothing related to the academic scale. I was harassed by my parents about college applications, but i didn't know what I wanted to do, and I still don't.
The weeks leading to Senior Prom sucked.
Senior Prom sucked.
The week leading to graduation sucked.
I got into a car accident the day I graduated.
Senior week wasn't bad. It wasn't what I had expected, but it wasn't bad.
I spent my summer working and thinking that I was in a relationship? Apparently I was not. I guess it was nothing in the end, and hell, she was right. I spent the next I don't even know how long being more emotionally fucked up, upset, pissed off, and sorry for myself than I ever have in my life, and all for nothing more than to realize that I should have seen this coming the first time around, not the fourth.
I met some really cool people, kept in touch with some high school friends, and now I'm just trying to go with the flow. This is what I've wanted for as long as I can remember. I've come to terms with myself and everything (sort of).
And I met someone new. Someone I truly relate with not only on a personal level, but on an emotional level, too. And all I really want to do is read comics, build forts, and kill zombies with her.
For the first time in a long time, I feel like myself again.
For the first time in a long time, I'm happy.
Friday, January 2, 2009
Consumed with what's to transpire
I'd like nothing more than to be able to justify my lack of posts with some kind of excuse. Finals were mid-December, though, and I've had plenty of time to waste since then. But hey, I only have two readers, so it's not that important anyway. I can say that I've been lazy. I can say that.
I figured now would be a better time than any to go ahead and do the 16 random facts thing that I've seen on blogs and Facebook. I didn't make a New Year's Resolution, so maybe if I can sort all of this out I can come to a conclusion about how I can change myself (how can't I, really?).
16. I believe Superman to be the ultimate cop-out of any super hero ever made. I mean really, he's DC's favored character; faster than a speeding bullet, the man of steel. The guy's a boy scout. Why even have the Justice League at that point? At least Marvel's most powerful hero, The Sentry, with the power of a million exploding suns, is an agoraphobic schizophrenic who is afraid of his own powers. That's why World War Hulk was so great (a vague reference, yes, but you'll have to find out for yourself).
15. I'm joking around 99% of the time. Sometimes I end up crossing some lines. If this happens, I appologize; it was completely unintended.
14. While I may be joking around about nearly everything, I'm incredibly insecure, and anyone who's known me for a good amount of time would know this. I put up a tough front most of the time, and I really try to not care about a lot of things, but in the words of a great man: "You can't be the hero all of the time."
13. My response to that was: "Dad, I can't NOT try."
12. There is absolutely no reason for everyone on Earth to go shopping the day after Christmas. Can't you just be happy with what you got?
11. I'm the hardest-working, laziest person you will every meet. I procrastinate like it's my job.
10. I'm a little kid at heart. I like to run around in the rain or snow and act like a little kid again. I think deep down we all miss it.
9. Why yes, I am fully aware that "Ray" coincidentally rhymes with "Gay." Feel free to insult me with a little more originality, because I HAVEN'T heard that since the fourth grade. Real mature.
8. I have perhaps the world's lowest self-esteem, though I try not to show it (. I don't ever feel like I'm doing enough for my friends; they tell me not to go out of my way for them, but I never consider it going out of my way. Though I've been told otherwise, I don't find myself physically attractive in any way. I just don't see it.
7. Nerd Alert! That's me. You'll often find me talking about World of Warcraft or various other videogames to my friends as well as creating "who would win in a fight?" scenarios.
6. Back in the day, I used to listen to nothing but Classic Rock, because, well, that's what I grew up on. My dad would always have something old school on the radio while we were in the car. Since then, however, my music taste has changed from Classic Rock to newer Rock.
5. I totally passed out trying to think of a number 5 somewhere around 2:30 in the morning and woke up at 6:30. Oops.
4. More often than not, I find myself re-imagining my current situation (i.e. whatever I may be doing at that exact moment) with a slight twist. It could be anything from having super power to having other people there with me to having different conversations. I used to do this all of the time for who knows why, but recently it hasn't been happening much. I couldn't tell you why.
3. I'm super afraid of spiders. They're horrible and I want nothing to do with them. It's one of my only fears, and I really hate them.
2. I have the worst diet ever, to which I could possibly attribute why I feel like shit 90% of the time. People always ask me how I could possibly eat like I do and stay relatively thin. Truth is, I don't know.
1. All I really want to do is build forts with you.
I figured now would be a better time than any to go ahead and do the 16 random facts thing that I've seen on blogs and Facebook. I didn't make a New Year's Resolution, so maybe if I can sort all of this out I can come to a conclusion about how I can change myself (how can't I, really?).
16. I believe Superman to be the ultimate cop-out of any super hero ever made. I mean really, he's DC's favored character; faster than a speeding bullet, the man of steel. The guy's a boy scout. Why even have the Justice League at that point? At least Marvel's most powerful hero, The Sentry, with the power of a million exploding suns, is an agoraphobic schizophrenic who is afraid of his own powers. That's why World War Hulk was so great (a vague reference, yes, but you'll have to find out for yourself).
15. I'm joking around 99% of the time. Sometimes I end up crossing some lines. If this happens, I appologize; it was completely unintended.
14. While I may be joking around about nearly everything, I'm incredibly insecure, and anyone who's known me for a good amount of time would know this. I put up a tough front most of the time, and I really try to not care about a lot of things, but in the words of a great man: "You can't be the hero all of the time."
13. My response to that was: "Dad, I can't NOT try."
12. There is absolutely no reason for everyone on Earth to go shopping the day after Christmas. Can't you just be happy with what you got?
11. I'm the hardest-working, laziest person you will every meet. I procrastinate like it's my job.
10. I'm a little kid at heart. I like to run around in the rain or snow and act like a little kid again. I think deep down we all miss it.
9. Why yes, I am fully aware that "Ray" coincidentally rhymes with "Gay." Feel free to insult me with a little more originality, because I HAVEN'T heard that since the fourth grade. Real mature.
8. I have perhaps the world's lowest self-esteem, though I try not to show it (. I don't ever feel like I'm doing enough for my friends; they tell me not to go out of my way for them, but I never consider it going out of my way. Though I've been told otherwise, I don't find myself physically attractive in any way. I just don't see it.
7. Nerd Alert! That's me. You'll often find me talking about World of Warcraft or various other videogames to my friends as well as creating "who would win in a fight?" scenarios.
6. Back in the day, I used to listen to nothing but Classic Rock, because, well, that's what I grew up on. My dad would always have something old school on the radio while we were in the car. Since then, however, my music taste has changed from Classic Rock to newer Rock.
5. I totally passed out trying to think of a number 5 somewhere around 2:30 in the morning and woke up at 6:30. Oops.
4. More often than not, I find myself re-imagining my current situation (i.e. whatever I may be doing at that exact moment) with a slight twist. It could be anything from having super power to having other people there with me to having different conversations. I used to do this all of the time for who knows why, but recently it hasn't been happening much. I couldn't tell you why.
3. I'm super afraid of spiders. They're horrible and I want nothing to do with them. It's one of my only fears, and I really hate them.
2. I have the worst diet ever, to which I could possibly attribute why I feel like shit 90% of the time. People always ask me how I could possibly eat like I do and stay relatively thin. Truth is, I don't know.
1. All I really want to do is build forts with you.
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