Life is only as blind as we make it

Grand Funk...

2009-05-15T03:21:00.002-04:00

I feel weird.

And not just the normal weird, mind you.

I don't know how to describe it. I feel like my gut fell to the floor and my heart isn't moving. I feel like my heart should be pounding out of my chest. I'm getting anxious.

This isn't good.

I'm done

2009-04-12T13:27:00.002-04:00

I need to get out of here. I need to go away. I need to go some place where everyone else isn't.

What is happening to me?

2009-04-02T00:28:00.002-04:00

I don't know what's happening to me. I feel like I'm really losing a part of myself that, not only did I not realize I still had, but a part of me that is really who I want to be. It really doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but I can feel it. Things around me seem to be falling apart left and right, and I don't see what I did to be the center of all of this.

You know that feeling you get when it's the night before a huge project is due that you completely forgot about, or that feeling that you're forgetting something huge? I feel like I have that nonstop. I feel like I'm living on the edge, and I guess I really am, more or less. I mean, I'm living paycheck to paycheck like most other people, but it's deeper than that. I feel like I'm not even living day by day, sometimes. It's more like I'm living moment to moment. I never know what's going to happen next. What's worse? I feel like I'm losing my ability to read people. Either I'm incredibly far off base with my observations, or I'm dead on, and I'm pretty sure it's the former of the two.

I also figured out that I have no idea what I want. I don't know what I want to do, and I don't know what I want to to be, and I feel like I'm just wasting time right now. I want nothing more than to be doing something meaningful, but I don't feel like I am. I keep second-guessing almost everything. I'm moving toward an IST major, but I don't know if that's even what I want. I like cooking, but I also enjoy astrophysics, and I always thought it would be really awesome to be a radio DJ.

And I keep having the weirdest dreams. I used to never have such vivid dreams, and when I did, it was very rare. But I haven't NOT had a weird vivid dream since spring break, and that was mid-March.

I constantly feel like I'm five seconds from Hulking out.
What's wrong with me?

RAWR

2009-01-26T16:09:00.002-05:00

I am in my C++ Programming Computer Science class and I'm bored!

My twinsie Sara (Style Magnet) is sitting right next to me and we're dying.

Redickuhlizz.

Who would win in a fight?

2009-01-25T11:19:00.002-05:00

Not that anyone reads this, but I appologize for not updating this on a regular basis like I had planned to. Regardless, more pressing matters are at hand.

I'm in Pittsburg, and I'm chilling in my friend Sam's dorm lounge at the current moment, but I'm heading out at 1. Pittsburg isn't bad. It's quite different from Philly. And freaking Sam just brought me some Swedish Fish from her room. Hell yeah!

Back on topic, the college life here isn't anything I'm used to. House parties are fun, but I feel that "networking" should be kept to a minimum there.

Sorry this is so short, but I'm outta here.

Hello, THIEF (Zelda reference, chumps)

2009-01-04T01:08:00.003-05:00

First off, I'd like to comment on my Last.FM feed over to your right (stage left). I actually haven't listened to my Last.FM station since Christmas, and I haven't listened to my iTunes recently, either. Just ignore it for the time being.

Second, I'm utilizing the title of this post to summarize my 2008 in a nutshell:

While I spent the start of the new year with a few good friends, it didn't begin the way I had hoped at the time, regardless of the events that had occurred within the last 24 hours of 2007.

Feelings were rehashed, relationships were revisited, and I made quite a big mistake. I was lonely. I felt guilty. I still do.
The day after Valentine's Day was perhaps the worst day of my life.
And when spring break came around, I was scared shitless, pissed, and I was, yet again, lonely. Oh, but wait, that was all canceled out the following week.

I spent the second half of my senior year following the completion of my research paper doing near nothing related to the academic scale. I was harassed by my parents about college applications, but i didn't know what I wanted to do, and I still don't.

The weeks leading to Senior Prom sucked.
Senior Prom sucked.
The week leading to graduation sucked.
I got into a car accident the day I graduated.
Senior week wasn't bad. It wasn't what I had expected, but it wasn't bad.

I spent my summer working and thinking that I was in a relationship? Apparently I was not. I guess it was nothing in the end, and hell, she was right. I spent the next I don't even know how long being more emotionally fucked up, upset, pissed off, and sorry for myself than I ever have in my life, and all for nothing more than to realize that I should have seen this coming the first time around, not the fourth.

I met some really cool people, kept in touch with some high school friends, and now I'm just trying to go with the flow. This is what I've wanted for as long as I can remember. I've come to terms with myself and everything (sort of).

And I met someone new. Someone I truly relate with not only on a personal level, but on an emotional level, too. And all I really want to do is read comics, build forts, and kill zombies with her.

For the first time in a long time, I feel like myself again.
For the first time in a long time, I'm happy.

Consumed with what's to transpire

2009-01-02T01:44:00.002-05:00

I'd like nothing more than to be able to justify my lack of posts with some kind of excuse. Finals were mid-December, though, and I've had plenty of time to waste since then. But hey, I only have two readers, so it's not that important anyway. I can say that I've been lazy. I can say that.

I figured now would be a better time than any to go ahead and do the 16 random facts thing that I've seen on blogs and Facebook. I didn't make a New Year's Resolution, so maybe if I can sort all of this out I can come to a conclusion about how I can change myself (how can't I, really?).

16. I believe Superman to be the ultimate cop-out of any super hero ever made. I mean really, he's DC's favored character; faster than a speeding bullet, the man of steel. The guy's a boy scout. Why even have the Justice League at that point? At least Marvel's most powerful hero, The Sentry, with the power of a million exploding suns, is an agoraphobic schizophrenic who is afraid of his own powers. That's why World War Hulk was so great (a vague reference, yes, but you'll have to find out for yourself).

15. I'm joking around 99% of the time. Sometimes I end up crossing some lines. If this happens, I appologize; it was completely unintended.

14. While I may be joking around about nearly everything, I'm incredibly insecure, and anyone who's known me for a good amount of time would know this. I put up a tough front most of the time, and I really try to not care about a lot of things, but in the words of a great man: "You can't be the hero all of the time."

13. My response to that was: "Dad, I can't NOT try."

12. There is absolutely no reason for everyone on Earth to go shopping the day after Christmas. Can't you just be happy with what you got?

11. I'm the hardest-working, laziest person you will every meet. I procrastinate like it's my job.

10. I'm a little kid at heart. I like to run around in the rain or snow and act like a little kid again. I think deep down we all miss it.

9. Why yes, I am fully aware that "Ray" coincidentally rhymes with "Gay." Feel free to insult me with a little more originality, because I HAVEN'T heard that since the fourth grade. Real mature.

8. I have perhaps the world's lowest self-esteem, though I try not to show it (. I don't ever feel like I'm doing enough for my friends; they tell me not to go out of my way for them, but I never consider it going out of my way. Though I've been told otherwise, I don't find myself physically attractive in any way. I just don't see it.

7. Nerd Alert! That's me. You'll often find me talking about World of Warcraft or various other videogames to my friends as well as creating "who would win in a fight?" scenarios.

6. Back in the day, I used to listen to nothing but Classic Rock, because, well, that's what I grew up on. My dad would always have something old school on the radio while we were in the car. Since then, however, my music taste has changed from Classic Rock to newer Rock.

5. I totally passed out trying to think of a number 5 somewhere around 2:30 in the morning and woke up at 6:30. Oops.

4. More often than not, I find myself re-imagining my current situation (i.e. whatever I may be doing at that exact moment) with a slight twist. It could be anything from having super power to having other people there with me to having different conversations. I used to do this all of the time for who knows why, but recently it hasn't been happening much. I couldn't tell you why.

3. I'm super afraid of spiders. They're horrible and I want nothing to do with them. It's one of my only fears, and I really hate them.

2. I have the worst diet ever, to which I could possibly attribute why I feel like shit 90% of the time. People always ask me how I could possibly eat like I do and stay relatively thin. Truth is, I don't know.

1. All I really want to do is build forts with you.

I'm begging for ignition to start it all again

2008-12-10T02:05:00.003-05:00

My posts, not only seem to take place in the wee hours of the morning on most occasions, are spaced out just a tad beyond my liking. I'd love to tell you that this is because I'm busy, but that's a half-truth. I'm incredibly lazy....

Anyway, I don't really know where I'm going with this (like I said, it's late; cut me some slack, dammit). I've been thinking a lot about things lately. By "a lot" I mean like I used to, which was all the time. Recently I've been shutting myself away from myself. I remembered that for roughly two weeks I was the drummer of a band that never quite got past our two guitarists playing anything other than Hendrix while I tried to give us some direction. Don't get me wrong; I love Hendrix as much as the next guy, but I'd like to get some harder, faster rock going. This leads me to the memory of my desire to write music. I want to get back into the swing of things with my creative side that's been dormant since, what, the 8th grade? Likewise, I'd love to post some fiction up here for my one confirmed reader, but again, this requires me not only having to get back in touch with Creative Ray, but I also need time, and that's exactly what I don't have right now, nor do I expect to have it anytime within the next 3 years.

I'm spacing out and can't focus, so I'll end this post with a picture I'm sure my bff Caitlin will surely enjoy:

Idk my bff Caitlin

2008-12-06T02:06:00.006-05:00

I JUST WANT YOU TO LOVE ME!!!!

Hopefully the next picture makes up for the previous five:

Overdrive, we're going life or death

2008-12-05T00:11:00.003-05:00

Sonofabitch.

I just cleared off the top of my growing box of comics to reveal about 30 or so comics that I obtained within the past 2 months that I haven't read. Not to make that sound like a chore; I was just overwhelmed with how much I have to read. And I'm still missing quite a few comics to complete my collection (if anyone has Immortal Iron fist #2-12 or any Silver Surfer comics, allow me to purchase them from you).

In other news, anyone who has yet to pick up an issue of Deadpool's newest series, you aren't too late to start (issue #5 comes out this month). He's funnier than your dad's lame puns and more action-packed than a can of Powerthirst. And if you can get a hold of the first 4 issues, prepare to enjoy the hilarity of the world's greatest assassin tricking a countless number of Super Skrulls into killing themselves.

Eliminating the need for a "Currently listening to" section at the bottom of each post, I conveniently put up my Last.fm recent plays on the refridgerator for everybody to see (to your right).

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Ask, and you shall receive, TJ.

Lately I've been living in my head

2008-11-30T23:15:00.003-05:00

So I don't know, taking that week off from school was pretty nice. Gave me a look at the rest of my life (sort of).

Again, past memories plaguing me seems to be the theme of the month.

Moving on, I figured I'd review something for a change (I'd like to get into this habit).

Tragedy: The Greatest Metal Tribute To The BeeGees In The Northeast Corridor.

Your first thought is probably somewhere along the lines of: "That sounds ridiculous." I shit you not, you'd be wrong to think that. I recently took a trip to Philly's Trocadero Theater to see the Aquabats, and when I heard that Tragedy was opening for them, I thought the very same thing. However, somewhere between waiting in line with a couple of metal-heads screaming "FINLAND!!!" (along with a few other things that most people would find incredibly grotesque), I was enlightened. Granted, I was never a fan of the BeeGees, but these guys and girls blew my mind from here to kingdom come. They came on stage dressed like something out of your father's retired '70s disco fad infused with that intense glam rock style that fits every metal tribute to the BeeGees oh so well. And their sound? You'll just have to listen for yourself.

Currently listening to: The Mighty Mighty Bosstones - The Rascal King

And we were of that disposition

2008-11-26T02:10:00.003-05:00

This is me at 2:26 A.M. on a Wednesday morning, with nothing to do but watch Family Guy whilst sorting through my brainworms (yeah, I said it) for something meaningful.

Negatory. This is me at 2:38 A.M., and I more or less just spent the past twelve minutes thinking of something to say. Sorry, my brainworms seem to be jumbled up tonight, which isn't anything new if you know me, but they are a little harder to untangle tonight, I suppose. I don't particularly know how to respond to the past two weeks. I've kinda been a mess, mentally.

The only thing I've figured out was how to respond to the past year as a whole.
Speaking of which, my best friend reminded me earlier tonight of a particularly horrifying experience that I was forced to deal with earlier on this year that I had completely put in the back of my head. I'm not mad; it was more or less the reality check I needed to kick my ass back in gear, and I really haven't stopped thinking about it since he brought it up. I'm just hoping I can push that memory back where I had it before mid-December.

In other, less-intense, unrelated news, I've recently been trying to expand my taste in music, and I found exactly what I needed. Pandora is an online radio station that has only the music you like (give it a few listens to, first). Basically, you tell it the artists you like, and it adds not only that artist, but similar artists. From then on, it will save your preferences, and all you need to do from then on is tell it whether or not you like the songs it plays for you (this is to perfect your playlist). I've been listening to it for the past few days, and I've already been turned on to a few new tracks that have snuck their way into my iTunes playlist.

With that in mind, I introduce you all to a new section of every post (just a song, and I'll try to make it something new to me):

Currently listening to:
Muse - Stockholm Syndrome

The funniest thing I have ever read

2008-11-25T11:50:00.002-05:00

This shit goes from bad to worse

2008-11-23T00:28:00.004-05:00

Gears of War 2
For Xbox360 only
Microsoft
Epic Games

So here is a game I particularly enjoyed. It was everything awesome that Epic Games did in the first game, but better, if you can understand what I mean. The story does follow the general plot and scheme of things, but isn't an exact pick up that follows the first game. You begin in the last remaining Human city of Jacinto, and you make your way out of the city and right into Locust territory in a direct assault on the Locust Queen. The plot twists every few scenes and leaves you on the edge of your seat as you find answers to the previously unanswered.
Also, the new online Horde mode is and epic win for Epic Games (yes, that was intentional).

Oh, and they brought Cole-train back.

That was reason enough for me to get it.

In our attempt to repent, we only dig ourselves deeper

2008-11-22T23:36:00.002-05:00

I've been thinking a lot lately.
And not just about stuff I have to do or things I see or random observations.
It's more like...

... situational thoughts.

Every once in a while my mental state reverts to this. I think of whatever I might be doing at that very moment, and then I imagine what the situation would be like if another person was there. This used to happen a lot to me, but then I recently stopped for whatever reason.
And now it's back. I can't help it.

On lighter notes, I have a week off of college to enjoy my Thanksgiving. I also took the weekend off to seek space, relaxation, and closure, but that plan fell through. I went to the Video Game Expo in Philly, instead. Wasn't as good as I was hoping for, but what can you do?

~Ray

Start me up, and I'll never stop

2008-11-22T02:50:00.002-05:00

I'm gonna go ahead and dedicate this blog to anybody who people said couldn't make it.
And Caitlin. After all, she did say that I "should totally get on this."
As for me?
I figured this might be a good way for me to sort out my thoughts. And it's about effing time I got around to doing that. I have way too much going on up top than I should.
So expect the occasional rant or two, as well as a few of my music choices, movies, and a ton of comic books.